


Just Ask Me

by nipawomsett



Series: The Harry & Eggsy Whatsapp series [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Getting to Know Each Other, Harry Hart Has Secrets, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 16:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20361394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nipawomsett/pseuds/nipawomsett
Summary: Harry, Eggsy, Whatsapp. Need I say more?





	Just Ask Me

Eggsy  
omg u finally got whatsapp

Harry  
Your incessant badgering finally broke me  
What’s wrong with the Kingsman messaging app?

Eggsy  
nothin as long as u dont mind merlin readin all ur private messages

Harry  
Firstly, I’m confident that Merlin has better things to do than read agents’ personal correspondence

Eggsy  
doubtful 

Harry  
And secondly, you sorely underestimate him if you think he doesn’t have the ability to access an encrypted message if he had due cause

Eggsy  
shit  
good point  
u reckon he would?

Harry  
I highly doubt it, Eggsy

Eggsy  
good  
so anyway, hows it goin?

Harry  
The mission?

Eggsy  
yeah

Harry  
Fine. A little dull to tell the truth. Basic reconnaisance 

Eggsy  
you think its beneath you

Harry  
I didn’t say that

Eggsy  
didnt have to mate  
i know u  
u wanna be gettin amongst it

Harry  
I don’t know what that means

Eggsy  
u know arthurs not gonna give u anythin mega just yet  
u only just went back on active duty  
gotta walk before u can run and all that

Harry  
Aren’t I supposed to be your mentor?

Eggsy  
u were but then u got shot in the head and laid in a fuckin coma for 6 months  
pretty inconsiderate if you ask me

Harry  
I do apologise  
I’ll endeavour to make sure my near-death experiences are scheduled more conveniently for you in future

Eggsy  
how about just dont schedule them at all  
dont think i could handle a repeat of the whole v-day shitshow tbh  
really did a fuckin number on me 

Harry  
From what I can tell you’ve done brilliantly since V-Day, as we seem to be calling it now  
You’re an exemplary agent in every respect  
Well, most respects

Eggsy  
u what?

Harry  
I’ve seen your debriefs

Eggsy  
excuse me

Harry  
Your mission reports. I don’t think “shitmixed” is considered proper Kingsman parlance

Eggsy  
ok fuck you  
that obviously wasn’t meant to be there

Harry  
Obviously  
Anyway, the point is, you’ve coped just fine without my tutelage. Better than fine

Eggsy  
thats what you think  
shit, gotta go, incoming merlin

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
er, why did no one ever mention the fact that u cant have a relationship if ur a kingsman???

Harry  
What are you talking about?

Eggsy  
literally no one ever said a word to me the whole time ive been here  
i just found out today from rox  
is that even legal?  
it dont sound legal to me  
im gonna ring hr  
my human rights r being violated

Harry  
You need to calm down

Eggsy  
what the fuck  
no i dont, this is messed up  
i cant believe ur ok with this???

Harry  
Eggsy, there is no such rule

Eggsy  
what

Harry  
Either Roxanne is misinformed, or she’s pulling your leg. My money is on the latter

Eggsy  
FUCKS SAKE  
so theres no rules about relationships 

Harry  
Not quite. Agents are not permitted to have relationships with each other  
Other than that, there are no rules to my knowledge  
This is all in the policy guidance you would have had to read when you were recruited

Eggsy  
oh yeah i definitely scrutinised that bruv  
so wait  
why r agents and agents a no-no?

Harry  
I believe the thinking is that it would compromise our judgement and our focus in the field

Eggsy  
right  
cant really argue with that i spose  
although…  
couldnt you just make sure those agents didnt get assigned to missions together?

Harry  
You would think

Eggsy  
ok so can i ask u a question

Harry  
Go ahead

Eggsy  
its quite personal  
so you can say no

Harry  
Just get on with it, Eggsy

Eggsy  
right  
ok  
so if theres no rules about having relationships, how come ur not in one  
that came out harsh sorry  
i mean i assume ur not in one  
i could be wrong  
ive just never seen any evidence  
when i say evidence i don’t mean like i was spying on u or nothin  
ugh shut up eggsy

Harry  
Spying on a spy? Good luck with that

Eggsy  
u gonna answer the question then?

Harry  
I will but it’s probably not going to be a quick conversation

Eggsy  
shit  
well i got nothin but time on my hands right now bruv  
should i get popcorn  
u still there?

Harry  
Yes, sorry  
I’m not sure where to start

Eggsy  
ok  
well  
lets start with… was i right about you being single rn?

Harry  
You were correct about that

Eggsy  
how long have u been single for?

Harry  
7 years

Eggsy  
oh wow  
thats… a long time

Harry  
Isn’t it just

Eggsy  
so what happened with your last relationship?

Harry  
They died  
Are you still there?

Eggsy  
oh fuck harry  
im so sorry  
that fuckin popcorn crack  
i hate myself

Harry  
Don’t be silly, you didn’t know

Eggsy  
still though  
fuck im sorry  
we dont have to talk about this

Harry  
It’s honestly OK

Eggsy  
can i ask how it happened?

Harry  
Essentially it was a mission that went wrong. The target discovered my real identity, went to my house in an attempt to neutralise me. I wasn’t there but my partner was.  
The report will still be in the archives I imagine. 

Eggsy  
i dont know what to say harry  
fuck  
how long had u been together?

Harry  
About 12 years

Eggsy  
christ  
im so sorry

Harry  
Thank you  
I may need a drink now though

Eggsy  
scotch?

Harry  
Too fucking right

Eggsy  
hahaha  
so how come theres not been anyone else since? or is that a stupid question? 

Harry  
It’s a bit of a stupid question.

Eggsy  
right  
youre right  
im gonna go now  
dont get too drunk haz  
not without me

Harry  
A gentleman never gets too drunk

Eggsy  
whatever mate

. .  
. .  
. .

Harry  
Hi Eggsy, is everything OK?

Eggsy  
yeah bruv, why?

Harry  
I just hadn’t heard from you for a couple of days, I wondered if you’d got into some difficulty on your mission

Eggsy  
difficulty? do me a favour  
ask the ukrainian drug traffickers i took out today if they think im in some fuckin difficulty

Harry  
I see  
So it’s going well then?

Eggsy  
yeah i reckon

Harry  
Good

Eggsy  
ah look  
im sorry ive been quiet  
tbh i felt awkward as fuck after that last conversation  
i shouldnt have asked any of them questions

Harry  
Why not?  
Anyone who was at Kingsman at the time will know about it  
And plenty of people who joined after, no doubt  
I’m amazed you hadn’t already heard to be honest

Eggsy  
definitely hadnt heard  
been thinking about it a lot since

Harry  
Oh?

Eggsy  
i just never really thought about the reality of being in a relationship as a kingsman before  
the risk to the other person  
maybe a rule about agents not having relationships would actually make sense

Harry  
Good luck recruiting new agents with a policy like that

Eggsy  
fair point  
obviously u decided not to go there any more though and i dont really blame u

Harry  
I wouldn’t say that

Eggsy  
???  
i assumed u made like a deliberate choice because of the trauma or whatever

Harry  
Not exactly

Eggsy  
what is it then?  
whats stoppin u?

Harry  
Fear

Eggsy  
fuck off  
harry hart aint afraid of anythin

Harry  
Is that what you think?

Eggsy  
well yeah  
ive seen u literally give a loaded gun to a psychopath and dare him to shoot u  
WHILE DRINKIN A MARTINI

Harry  
Have you ever been in love?

Eggsy  
ok, bit random  
tbh i dont know really

Harry  
We’ll take that as a no then  
The point I’m trying to make is that it’s easy to be brave when the gun’s pointing at your own face  
Easy for a Kingsman at least  
Putting ourselves in harm’s way is part of the job, it’s what we’re trained to do  
And let’s be honest, there’s a part of us that loves it, craves it even  
The risk, the danger, the adrenaline rush  
But when someone you really care for ends up in the line of fire  
That all vanishes  
Do you understand?

Eggsy  
yeah harry  
i do  
shit  
im gonna die alone arent i?

Harry  
You? Highly unlikely

Eggsy  
???

Harry  
Stop fishing

Eggsy  
im not fishin bruv, swear down

Harry  
Good  
I have to go, I have a meeting now

Eggsy  
boo

Harry  
Glad you’re OK. Stay safe

Eggsy  
cheers bruv

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
YESSSSSSS mission accomplished  
waitin for my flight home

Harry  
Bloody well done

Eggsy  
piece of piss mate

Harry  
What’s the plan for the next few days?

Eggsy  
sleep  
debrief  
get a bollockin off merlin for breakin my glasses

Harry  
Again?

Eggsy  
this time it wasn’t my fault  
got my face slammed against a concrete fuckin wall

Harry  
Fuck  
You were lucky not to break more than your glasses

Eggsy  
its cool, im still as pretty as ever 

Harry  
I’ll notify your fanclub

Eggsy  
;)

Harry  
You’re unbearable

Eggsy  
ive been told  
have i missed much?

Harry  
Let’s see… Lamorak took out the head of a Colombian drugs cartel  
Bedevere thwarted an assassination attempt on the PM (yes, another one)  
Percival got married – and I quote – “by mistake”

Eggsy  
SHUT UP

Harry  
It’s true  
He claims a honeypot mission got out of hand 

Eggsy  
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
im cryin

Harry  
I should be the one crying, I’ve been tasked with sorting it out

Eggsy  
you moonlightin as a divorce lawyer now

Harry  
Another excellent use of my skills

Eggsy  
this is too funny  
so glad you told me, ill get him a weddin present from duty free  
any suggestions?

Harry  
How about a pot of honey  
Too subtle?

Eggsy  
im literally loling  
people are starin at me  
ugh were boardin now  
ttul

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
quick question, whats the name of the bird (bloke?) percy got married to

Harry  
Gladys

Eggsy  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
i cant breathe

Harry  
I thought you’d like it  
Are you at HQ tomorrow?

Eggsy  
yup

Harry  
See you then

Eggsy  
u wanna get a beer after work?

Harry  
After the week I’ve had, I want to get many beers  
So yes, please

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
so am i good or am i good 

Harry  
I freely admit, that was quite something  
How did you pull it off given that you were on a plane last night?

Eggsy  
i got friends in high places  
and by high places i mean that bakery on russell st thats open all hours

Harry  
Eggsy, I think that bakery is a front for organised crime

Eggsy  
still tho  
their cream horns are fuckin mint  
anyway i popped in on the way home, batted me eyelashes and got them to ice “congratulations percival and gladys” on a victoria sponge  
job done

Harry  
He quite literally turned purple when he saw it

Eggsy  
my work here is done  
u want some cake? 

Harry  
I do but I won’t

Eggsy  
???  
its good  
u can hardly taste the crime 

Harry  
You’ll understand when you get to my age

Eggsy  
which is what  
i dont even know

Harry  
52

Eggsy  
shit  
thats more than twice my age  
how do you manage

Harry  
You can fuck all the way off now

Eggsy  
im only teasin  
anyway what did u mean about me understandin when im ur age?

Harry  
I mean that once you get to a certain age you can’t eat cake whenever someone brings it into the office and still expect to look good in a bespoke suit

Eggsy  
omg ur so vain  
i love it

Harry  
It’s not about vanity, it’s about being fit to do the job

Eggsy  
i think its about bein fit fullstop

Harry  
Please shut up  
Eat your cake  
While you still can…

Eggsy  
that sounded well ominous

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
r u hung over? pls tell me ur hung over

Harry  
Of course I’m not  
I’m not an amateur

Eggsy  
oh right i forgot that youve had about 90 years to build up ur tolerance

Harry  
I’ll need 90 more to build up my tolerance to your nonsense

Eggsy  
so im the only 1 hangin here

Harry  
It would appear so

Eggsy  
did u have a good time last nite?

Harry  
I did

Eggsy  
did i have a good time last nite?

Harry  
Ha ha ha  
All the intel suggests that you did  
Although we aren’t allowed back to Groove

Eggsy  
wtf is groove?

Harry  
Looks like that’s a non-issue then

Eggsy  
doesnt conjure up an image of a place ud be seen dead in

Harry  
It was Roxanne’s idea  
She had a yen for karaoke

Eggsy  
rox was there?

Harry  
Oh, for God’s sake

Eggsy  
did i make a tit of myself

Harry  
No more than usual

Eggsy  
no but really

Harry  
Really. It was Roxanne who got us barred; she took exception to a gentleman’s rather vocal criticism of her rendition of ‘We Are The Champions’

Eggsy  
ahahahahahahaha  
of course she did  
thats my girl  
did u sing

Harry  
I’m not even going to dignify that with a response

Eggsy  
shame  
u sure i didnt say anything stupid tho

Harry  
Not as far as I can recall

Eggsy  
good  
ive got a lot of stupid shit in my head and its a challenge not to blurt it out at the best of times  
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST TURNED OVER AND ROX IS LITERALLY IN MY BED  
omg did we

Harry  
I don’t know why you’d expect me to know that  
You could try asking her

Eggsy  
shes asleep  
looks like shes still got her entire suit on tho  
probably out of the woods?

Harry  
The balance of probability has certainly tilted in your favour  
Would it be entirely unexpected if you had though?

Eggsy  
er, yes  
weve never  
and i never would

Harry  
I see you’ve taken the agent relationship policy very much to heart

Eggsy  
i werent even thinkin about that tbh  
thats just not what me and rox are about  
id be fuckin gutted if i cocked up what weve got because of a drunken shag or whatever

Harry  
What are you and Roxanne about, if you don’t mind my asking?

Eggsy  
i dunno  
like best mates  
i know people assume theres more but there never has been  
and i know shes fit and gorgeous and clever and brave and funny and everythin  
but

Harry  
But what?

Eggsy  
i dunno, i must be a fuckin freak not to fancy her now i think of it

Harry  
Preconceived ideas about who or what one should be attracted to are rarely helpful in reality

Eggsy  
well anyway, i dont think im her type tbh

Harry  
Oh?

Eggsy  
shes goin out with that georgina in tech rn

Harry  
Ah  
Good for her  
And the balance of probability tilts even further in your favour

Eggsy  
hahahahahahahaha she just woke up and was extremely disturbed  
and is makin me go out and get her an egg mcmuffin  
dont let me get that drunk again on a works do haz

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
where r u mate?

Harry  
Siberia

Eggsy  
well of course u r  
and im the knob sat in ur office for the last 10 mins waitin for u to come back from the trainin u obviously werent on

Harry  
Forgive me, I laughed

Eggsy  
siberia then? u on bigfoot’s trail?

Harry  
The Bigfoot legend actually originates from the Pacific Northwest, not Siberia

Eggsy  
i literally hate u today

Harry  
It was a very last-minute assignment. We received a tip-off this morning that Kuznetsov and co would be visiting the hangar tomorrow

Eggsy  
woah so this is like a proper mission

Harry  
At fucking last

Eggsy  
mate  
so excited for u  
what weapons u got

Harry  
All of them

Eggsy  
hahahahahahahaha  
so what r u doin now?

Harry  
Waiting, essentially  
Eating a very bad solyanka  
Trying to remember my Russian

Eggsy  
i didnt know u could speak russian

Harry  
I was a spy during the Cold War, of course I can speak Russian

Eggsy  
write somethin in russian

Harry  
я не выступающая обезьяна

Eggsy  
hahahahahahaha  
can u speak any other languages

Harry  
French, German, really terrible Italian

Eggsy  
well now i feel inadequate

Harry  
Kingsman will always bite an agent’s hand off if they express an interest in learning a new language  
Speak to Merlin, he’ll set some tuition up for you

Eggsy  
or he might just take the piss

Harry  
He’ll likely do that too

Eggsy  
so im interested now, when did u join kingsman

Harry  
1987

Eggsy  
what were u doin before that?

Harry  
I was in the Army

Eggsy  
not cannon fodder im guessin

Harry  
That brings back memories  
Silver suppositories and so on  
But you are correct; I was in intelligence

Eggsy  
how come u left? u get headhunted by kingsman or somethin?

Harry  
Let’s pretend that’s true

Eggsy  
???

Harry  
I was actually dismissed 

Eggsy  
what???  
why?  
i cant imagine u doin anythin that would get u kicked out of the military  
fuck, even i didnt get kicked out of the military

Harry  
That’s very heartwarming  
It was a different time though

Eggsy  
help me out here harry

Harry  
OK, let me have another shot of this surprisingly excellent vodka first  
I was caught fucking the captain of another sub-unit

Eggsy  
omg  
omg  
omg  
i think ive just had a brain aneurysm 

Harry  
Indeed

Eggsy  
please dont tell me u have to go and murder anyone in a minute  
i need to binge the fuck out of this season of “so u think u know harry hart” right now

Harry  
I’m not explicitly here to murder anyone but a gentleman is always prepared  
And no, no immediate plans, although obviously you know as well as I do that things can change very quickly  
So

Eggsy  
so  
was it a good fuck?

Harry  
That’s the question you’re going with?  
Really?

Eggsy  
its a starter for 10 mate

Harry  
Yes, it was a spectacular fuck

Eggsy  
omg  
nothin has prepared me for this

Harry  
You’re so green, it’s touching really

Eggsy  
fuck off

Harry  
Well if you’re not interested…

Eggsy  
DONT U FUCKIN DARE  
im meant to be meetin the lads at the pub, aint happenin now

Harry  
That’s silly, this conversation can wait

Eggsy  
CAN IT FUCK  
i might get hit by a bus and then id never know the details

Harry  
Well come on then

Eggsy  
ugh right  
shit  
im guessin this is not common knowledge at kingsman

Harry  
I should bloody hope not  
It’ll be on file somewhere, like everything else

Eggsy  
how come u told me then?

Harry  
Because you asked  
And you have a horrible knack of bending people to your will

Eggsy  
ok, parkin that one for now  
ive typed and deleted like a million questions

Harry  
I know, I can see  
Just ask me, Eggsy

Eggsy  
u like blokes then

Harry  
Yes

Eggsy  
exclusively

Harry  
So it would seem

Eggsy  
why the fuck did u join the army then you bellend

Harry  
That… is an excellent question  
To which I don’t have a simple answer for you I’m afraid  
I’ll think about it and get back to you

Eggsy  
god it must have been so fuckin hard  
i mean hard as in difficult  
not

Harry  
I get it  
And, well… I lived

Eggsy  
you always do somehow

Harry  
Let’s hope that holds true over the next 24 hours

Eggsy  
shut up, course it will

Harry  
I should go now

Eggsy  
ok harry  
make sure u kill it tomorrow  
cant wait to hear all the details  
take care

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
HARRY HART YOU ABSOLUTE LEDGE  
merlin let us see what went down on yr glasses feed  
it was fuckin inspiring 

Harry  
Why thank you

Eggsy  
u comin home now?

Harry  
I have some cleaning up to do here, but I should be away by the end of the day  
(It’s Siberia, not a lot in the way of collateral)

Eggsy  
its rox’s birthday, were having some drinks and stuff in training room 2  
if u make it back in time  
therell be cake too but ill hide it from u  
starts about 6

Harry  
I’ll be there

Eggsy  
woo

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
why r u in ur office you freak

Harry  
What makes you think I’m in my office?

Eggsy  
I can literally see you from tr2

Harry  
Ah  
I just wanted to catch up on my emails 

Eggsy  
u can do that later  
come on harry  
im making martinis  
dirty ones  
why do you like them so fuckin briny anyway  
wait is it a sex thing

Harry  
What the hell, Eggsy

Eggsy  
Hi Harry it’s Roxy  
Please come and say hello  
Otherwise I’ll tell Merlin you’re working too hard 

Harry  
I’m on my way

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
omg whos got the fanclub now?

Harry  
I don’t follow

Eggsy  
people were literally queuin up tonite to tell u how sick u were in siberia

Harry  
Ha ha  
I couldn’t possibly comment

Eggsy  
u def dont have to be single if u dont want to be

Harry  
Not wishing to toot my own horn but I do know that

Eggsy  
just want u to be happy haz  
u deserve it

Harry  
That’s very sweet

Eggsy  
ugh fuck off

Harry  
Good night, Eggsy

. .  
. .  
. .

Harry  
You weren’t at the weekly meeting

Eggsy  
nah  
had a physio app  
still not right after ukraine  
did i miss much

Harry  
Only the fact that we’ve been assigned a mission together next week

Eggsy  
oh sweet  
where is it?

Harry  
Grimsby

Eggsy  
r u literally shitting me  
i didnt get in spy game for this shit  
rox is in vegas right now, wtf

Harry  
You need to work on your poker skills if you want the Vegas assignments  
I hear Roxanne is quite the card sharp

Eggsy  
thanks for that  
so whats so fuckin important in grimsby that it needs both of us there

Harry  
The details should be in your inbox imminently but in a nutshell we’ve been tasked to remove the head of a human trafficking operation  
If you've got something better to do though I can ask Merlin to put someone else on instead

Eggsy  
sorry harry  
i didnt mean to be a dickhead

Harry  
Which you were

Eggsy  
ill go and read the details now  
sounds really interestin  
bye harry

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
right, im ready to take out these knobends now  
that report turned my fuckin stomach

Harry  
Quite  
I’ll put a meeting in our diaries for tomorrow so we can work out the specifics

Eggsy  
r u pissed off with me

Harry  
A little

Eggsy  
i didnt mean to be brat, i didnt know how important the mission was when i said them things

Harry  
That's not the point. Every assignment is important, wherever it might be based, and having a tantrum because it's not in a sufficiently glamorous location should frankly be beneath you

Eggsy  
shit i said im sorry  
it was just banter

. .  
. .  
. .

Harry  
Why is there a custard slice on my desk?

Eggsy  
its from me

Harry  
I know it's from you, that's why I'm asking you about it

Eggsy  
its to say sorry?

Harry  
My office was locked

Eggsy  
right and?

Harry  
You know I'm not going to eat this

Eggsy  
u definitely r  
we ok now?

Harry  
Because you broke into my office and left a fucking cake on my desk?  
Yes Eggsy, of course we're OK

Eggsy  
sweet  
see u tomorrow

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
omg i cant sleep im still buzzin

Harry  
Well I *was* asleep

Eggsy  
shit sorry

Harry  
It's fine

Eggsy  
we were amazin tho  
i think my favourite bit was when we punched that 1 bloke at exactly the same time and he hit the wall so hard the brickwork collapsed

Harry  
My favourite bit was when we liberated hundreds of innocent people from a life of slavery

Eggsy  
i mean that bit was good too obvs  
we make a sick team

Harry  
Agreed  
Our methods are very different but they seem to complement one another  
And we know one another so well now that we seem to be able to communicate without words to an extent 

Eggsy  
i hope arthur sees that and puts us on more missions together

Harry  
I'm sure he will

Eggsy  
so heres a question

Harry  
This never ends well for me...

Eggsy  
do u know how many people uve killed?

Harry  
No

Eggsy  
uve never kept count?

Harry  
No, and I urge you not to either

Eggsy  
ballpark figure?

Harry  
EGGSY

Eggsy  
sorry  
how do u feel about havin to kill people on the job?

Harry  
Is it terrible if I say "fine"?  
These are not upstanding members of society we're despatching

Eggsy  
yeah i know what u mean  
does it ever make u feel good?

Harry  
I wouldn't admit it if it did

Eggsy  
not even to me???

Harry  
I don't need to admit anything to you, you seem to be able to see through me quite plainly these days

Eggsy  
not even close bruv  
i mean i know when ive pissed u off but ive made a career of pissin people off, you get to learn the signs  
still feel like theres so much i dont really know about u  
and u know everythin about me

Harry  
I wouldn't say that

Eggsy  
come off it  
the first day we met u put a trackin device on me

Harry  
It sounds creepy when you put it like that

Eggsy  
it was a bit

Harry  
I needed to ascertain whether you were trustworthy enough to put forward as my candidate 

Eggsy  
well its a good job i didnt go straight home and have a wank 

Harry  
It was an audio tracker, I wouldn't have been able to see that

Eggsy  
but ud have been able to hear it

Harry  
And would you not have removed your jacket first?

Eggsy  
depends how much of a hurry i was in bruv

Harry  
Well let's just be grateful that never occurred then  
The point is, contrary to what you might think, I don't know everything about you

Eggsy  
well u never ask me about my life so i just assume u know  
ask me now

Harry  
It doesn't seem very gentlemanly to start interrogating you

Eggsy  
r u serious?  
u let me ask all them personal questions then turn around and tell me it aint gentlemanly?  
u kept tellin me it was fine?

Harry  
It was fine, I'm being an arse

Eggsy  
i mean i know ive not had a juicy soap opera of a life like u  
maybe im just too borin to bother askin?

Harry  
OK, fine  
Tell me about Princess Tilde

Eggsy  
um

Harry  
See?  
Not as easy having the light shone in one's eyes as you might think

Eggsy  
nah its ok  
what do u want to know?

Harry  
What happened when you rescued her? I've heard a few conflicting reports around the office but I think it was Lamorak who said you “smashed her back doors in,” and I don’t think he was talking about the way you gained access to her cell

Eggsy  
ahahahahaha  
yeah i did do that

Harry  
That seems... ethically dubious. She was a hostage

Eggsy  
she didnt take much persuadin bruv

Harry  
I'm sure

Eggsy  
ur judgin me

Harry  
With my history? I am many things but I hope I'm not a hypocrite

Eggsy  
hahahaha, fair

Harry  
What happened afterwards?

Eggsy  
afterwards?  
i had a shower?  
actually i didnt because merlin made me rush to get back to hq

Harry  
I didn't mean that  
I don't recall you ever mentioning her so I assume you're not seeing each other now

Eggsy  
oh fuck no  
it was pure heat of the moment  
i had so much goin on inside me after killin u know who, so much adrenaline

Harry  
Do you usually feel that way after completing a mission? 

Eggsy  
no just that one  
i do keep in touch with t tho, she's a top bird  
filthy as fuck too, id recommend her to a friend

Harry  
Delightful  
Are you seeing anyone else?

Eggsy  
nah  
not for ages  
not since kingsman actually, fuck

Harry  
What about before Kingsman?

Eggsy  
christ youve got well into this havent u?  
yeah, obviously i had relationships before kingsman  
nothin serious tho  
mostly just screwin around tbh

Harry  
You're not "screwing around" now then? 

Eggsy  
no 

Harry  
Why not? Most young agents find that their prospects start looking up as soon as they put the bespoke suit on

Eggsy  
i dunno  
spose i just had other things on my mind  
and maybe what i want has changed  
casual fucks dont feel that great any more  
im evolvin  
and hey, my prospects were always sky fuckin high mate  
didnt need no posh tailorin to get laid back home

Harry  
I don't doubt that

Eggsy  
so i take it u screwed around as a young agent then

Harry  
Shamefully, yes  
Safely, I might add  
But still, yes I did  
Until Mark

Eggsy  
oh  
what was he like

Harry  
He was Canadian, moved here as a teenager, worked as an English teacher. He was passionate about literature, and wanted his students to be just as passionate as he was. Especially the disaffected ones. He was always brimming with enthusiasm, even at 7 in the morning. He had terrible taste in music but he was very attractive so I overlooked it. He, inexplicably, understood me. He was everything to me.  
Are you still there?

Eggsy  
yeah  
shit harry u made me cry a bit

Harry  
I'm so sorry  
Are you OK?

Eggsy  
yeah  
wait, if he was a teacher did he think u were a tailor??

Harry  
Obviously I told him I was but we were together for 12 years and he wasn't a stupid man. He knew better than to challenge me outright about it but I suppose he didn't have to. It was an unspoken understanding.

Eggsy  
i wish i couldve met him, he sounds great

Harry  
Oh, he would've loved you

Eggsy  
?????

Harry  
He was an incorrigible flirt

Eggsy  
hahahahahahahahahah  
oh shit have u seen the time

Harry  
Alas yes

Eggsy  
sorry mate, ill let u go now  
ill see u in like 4 hours, ha ha

Harry  
Oh murder me  
Good night (morning) Eggsy

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
have u seen this picture of merlin???  
merlin.jpg

Harry  
Seen it? I *took* it

Eggsy  
his hair!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry  
Perms were in then  
How did you even get hold of that?

Eggsy  
ill give u 1 guess

Harry  
Ah, Roxanne

Eggsy  
ding ding ding  
shes annoyed because she cant find a young pic of u

Harry  
There's a very good reason for that

Eggsy  
aw cmon harry

Harry  
I really thought you two had better intel collection skills than this  
I'll have to ask Merlin to set up some remedial training

Eggsy  
pleeeeeeease

Harry  
Stop whinging and give me a minute  
magdelene.jpg

Eggsy  
omg  
details please

Harry  
It's from university

Eggsy  
let me guess, oxford?

Harry  
No, the other one

Eggsy  
course it was, silly me  
rox wants to know who ur friend is

Harry  
Rupert

Eggsy  
RUPERT  
fuckin toffs  
shes goin mental here  
she said to tell u that u were adorable

Harry  
Tell her I’m well aware

Eggsy  
was he ur boyfriend?

Harry  
In my dreams  
He was straight

Eggsy  
gutted  
i cant stop starin at it  
the braces  
the fluffy hair  
its u but its not u  
more please

Harry  
I do have other things to be doing with my evening, you know  
galahad.jpg

Eggsy  
woah

Harry  
First year as Galahad

Eggsy  
so about my age

Harry  
Yes

Eggsy  
rox is bein inappropriate

Harry  
I don’t even want to know

Eggsy  
Hey Harry!

Harry  
Hello Roxanne

Eggsy  
How did you know it was me?

Harry  
Because you have a passing acquaintence with the rules of grammar and punctuation

Eggsy  
LOL  
You’re fun  
You should come over, Eggsy and I are just hanging out at mine, having a few beers  
There may be some perving on photos of the other agents going on

Harry  
I don’t think you really want me gatecrashing your party

Eggsy  
I wouldn’t call it a party  
And yes we do, you’re hilarious  
We have the dogs here…  
its me again, you should def come over  
please please please  
ur our mate too

Harry  
Lord forgive me  
Give me 15 minutes

Eggsy  
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
so glad u came over yesterday 

Harry  
Me too. I was lying when I said I had other things to do

Eggsy  
aw  
dont take this the wrong way but do u have any other mates

Harry  
I do but they’re all middle aged

Eggsy  
hahahahahahahahaha  
not as much fun then

Harry  
As you and Roxanne? Definitely not

Eggsy  
we should get together again soon

Harry  
I love would to but I have an assignment coming up that could keep me away for a while

Eggsy  
where?

Harry  
Tuvalu

Eggsy  
thats not even a real place  
u got that out of peter pan

Harry  
I assure you it is, it’s an island in the Pacific Ocean

Eggsy  
ok i just looked it up and im satisfied that it exists  
but wtf? not that im dissin an assignment but literally wtf

Harry  
Just read the mission brief, Eggsy

Eggsy  
ugh i will  
how long is that gonna keep u away then

Harry  
A few weeks I should imagine, maybe a month

Eggsy  
WHAT  
NO

Harry  
???

Eggsy  
what if i need u

Harry  
Don’t be ridiculous, you coped without me for 6 months when I was in a coma

Eggsy  
thats not the same

Harry  
Why is it not the same?

Eggsy  
i dont know?  
when r u leaving

Harry  
Probably Monday  
It will be fine, Eggsy

Eggsy  
yeah i know  
come and see me before u leave

Harry  
Yes, Sir

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
harry quick before u get on the plane i have a question for u

Harry  
OK

Eggsy  
its about kingsman glasses

Harry  
Not what I was expecting, but go ahead

Eggsy  
they record literally everythin when ur wearin them right?

Harry  
Right

Eggsy  
and it all gets stored in some big database somewhere right?

Harry  
Right

Eggsy  
and merlin can see all of it right?

Harry  
In theory. In reality he only reviews what he needs to for the purpose of the missions  
He doesn’t have a prurient interest in agents’ personal lives if that’s what you’re worried about

Eggsy  
its not  
but like ive got my glasses on right now so our whole whatsapp conversation is being recorded and saved 

Harry  
I suppose so

Eggsy  
not a fan of that

Harry  
I suggest you simply remove your glasses if you want to say or do something incriminating

Eggsy  
like what?

Harry  
You tell me, Eggsy, you’re the one who’s breaking out in hives over it  
I have to go now, we’re boarding  
But before I do, could you please do me a favour while I’m away?

Eggsy  
anythin

Harry  
Get a fucking grip

Eggsy  
oh fuck off

Harry  
I’ll miss you, Eggsy

Eggsy  
ill miss u too  
so fuckin much  
u have no idea

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
hows timbuktu

Harry  
Tuvalu

Eggsy  
yeah yeah

Harry  
Humid. My hair is a disaster

Eggsy  
vain harry is in the house  
pic please

Harry  
deletethisimmediately.jpg

Eggsy  
ahahahahahaha  
the 80s called, they want their hair back

Harry  
Be sure to pass on Roxanne’s feedback too

Eggsy  
how did u know id sent it to rox

Harry  
Oh please

Eggsy  
i cant repeat what she said, it was grim  
and i dont share everythin with rox  
anyway, i actually wanted to say sorry for whining like a little bitch about ur mission  
mustve been stressed about somethin at the time

Harry  
Quite all right

Eggsy  
i just like knowin ur around I spose  
even if we dont actually see each other much, just knowin ur in ur office down the corridor makes me feel like  
grounded or somethin  
ur my comfort blanket, ha ha

Harry  
You know you don’t need me though, right?  
We’ve been through this before

Eggsy  
i do need u  
whats more i think u need me too

Harry  
Do you

Eggsy  
yes  
agh ffs why is merlin callin me on a landline phone the bellend  
ttul

. .  
. .  
. .

Harry  
Eggsy, are you free to talk?

Eggsy  
i can message whats up bruv

Harry  
This is slightly mortifying but I need your help

Eggsy  
what happened did u lose ur glasses

Harry  
I’m serious Eggsy, I’m in a situation

Eggsy  
shit, u want me to get merlin? u need backup???

Harry  
No, nothing like that  
I think I had/am having a panic attack

Eggsy  
im callin u

Harry  
No please don’t  
This is easier for me

Eggsy  
ok  
talk to me  
whats goin on haz?  
u dont get panic attacks?

Harry  
It’s a relatively new thing  
Getting shot in the face can change a man  
Fuck

Eggsy  
just breathe ok?  
please tell me what happened so i can help

Harry  
I had a gun pulled on me 

Eggsy  
you get guns pulled on you like twice a week  
its like doin the ironin for u

Harry  
I know  
But I wasn’t prepared for this one  
It caught me off guard

Eggsy  
happens to all of us mate  
the important thing is how u recover, right?  
and im assumin u did

Harry  
Well yes  
But there was one time I didn’t, wasn’t there?  
I totally misjudged the situation and nearly died because of it  
How could I have been so incompetant?

Eggsy  
r u shitting me  
u r not incompetant  
ud been massively compromised by that dickhead’s neurological wave shit  
u expect way too much from urself haz  
billions of people around the world went mental because of that wave, and u expect to be the only one to keep ur head?  
it aint realistic  
ur the most competant person i ever met in my life  
how r u doin?

Harry  
Better

Eggsy  
go and get some water  
what r u meant to be doin for the rest of the day?

Harry  
Nothing on the agenda barring unplanned action

Eggsy  
right  
dont leave the hotel, just get room service and watch love island or whatever it is people ur age watch on telly

Harry  
I am mortified

Eggsy  
oh shut up  
harry hart is human after all, shock horror  
did u drink that water?

Harry  
Yes

Eggsy  
good  
u need to come home

Harry  
Eggsy, that’s an overreaction

Eggsy  
is it fuck  
you need to come home because you clearly need help with your recovery

Harry  
I’m recovered Eggsy, it’s been 6 months

Eggsy  
fuck me harry, ur one of the cleverest people i ever met but u can be thick as shit sometimes, u know that?  
u think because u got signed off physically fit and ur back on active duty thats it, job done?  
ur a moron  
recovery takes time  
and its not always a straight line to the finish  
its ok to take a step back if u need to

Harry  
When did you become so wise

Eggsy  
when u were comatose and i was in a fuckload of counselling  
which is where ur gonna be as soon as ur back

Harry  
Eggsy, no  
My career will be over if I have to be fetched home from a mission because of my mental health

Eggsy  
what do u think this is, the dark ages?  
it happens all the time, u just dont see it  
kingsman dont want their agents crackin up in the field  
and no one even has to know why ur back  
we could just say circumstances changed  
ill go in ur place, finish the job  
itll be better than fuckin grimsby i reckon  
im not havin u out there like this harry

Harry  
You don’t get to make that decision

Eggsy  
no but merlin does

Harry  
Please don’t tell Merlin

Eggsy  
hes ur best mate  
and hed say exactly the same as me, u know it  
let him help  
let anyone help for fucks sake  
just stop tryin to do it all by urself  
harry?

Harry  
Fine  
Please tell only who you must though

Eggsy  
its goin to be fine haz  
ill check in with u asap ok?

Harry  
Eggsy?

Eggsy  
yeah?

Harry  
Thank you

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
u doing ok?

Harry  
I think so

Eggsy  
did u hear from merlin?

Harry  
Yes, I’m leaving in 2 hours

Eggsy  
wow, hes good

Harry  
This is not how I anticipated this mission unfolding

Eggsy  
shit happens

Harry  
Will you distract me while I wait?

Eggsy  
distract u how?

Harry  
Just tell me what you’ve been up to

Eggsy  
i learned how to shoot a crossbow, it was sick

Harry  
You really do contain multitudes, don’t you?

Eggsy  
i got mad skills  
oh also rox and i had to pretend to be a couple for a mission and it was pure hilarity  
this art dealer bloke was clearly angling for a threesome, we had to leg it before it escalated

Harry  
Was he fit though?

Eggsy  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
HARRY HART  
no not really  
not my type

Harry  
What is your type? 

Eggsy  
i hardly know any more bruv  
but not him, he was oily af  
he pinched my bum  
i dont get paid enough for this shit

Harry  
Ha ha ha  
Oh dear

Eggsy  
i have to go to berlin tonight apparently  
its just an overnighter tho so can I come and see u when i get back

Harry  
Of course  
I’ll be at home I imagine

Eggsy  
i can practically hear u sighin from 10000 miles away  
im on like 2% battery but message me when u land ok?

Harry  
I will

. .  
. .  
. .

Eggsy  
u home yet?

Harry  
Yes, I’m sorry, I was about to message you

Eggsy  
its fine  
look i need u to do somethin for me  
can u take ur glasses off

Harry  
Why? Are you about to confess to a crime?

Eggsy  
that is not funny  
please just do it

Harry  
I can’t see without them

Eggsy  
WHAT

Harry  
They have prescription lenses in them  
Quite strong ones at that

Eggsy  
Well do u have normal glasses anywhere

Harry  
Are you honestly going to make me hunt for my spare glasses when I just came off a 20 hour flight?  
I haven’t even had a piss yet

Eggsy  
look please just humour me, if i don’t do this now i probably never will  
and maybe have that piss while ur at it mate

Harry  
OK, I’m back  
Do what, Eggsy? What’s going on?

Eggsy  
u got ur normal glasses on?

Harry  
YES

Eggsy  
ok  
right  
so

Harry  
Oh, for God’s sake

Eggsy  
im getting there  
so the thing is harry  
im in love with u  
and now i feel dizzy and have to lie down

Harry  
Are you drunk?

Eggsy  
what? no

Harry  
Say it again

Eggsy  
im not drunk?

Harry  
Not that part, idiot

Eggsy  
the part about me bein in love with u?

Harry  
Yes, say it again please

Eggsy  
im in love  
with u  
like massively  
i cant handle it any more  
ur all i think about tbh  
i know its fucked up on about a million levels but there it is  
im really really sorry if this is somethin u didnt want to know  
now i think about it im almost certain its something u wouldnt want to know  
in which case just forget all about it  
i don’t even know why im tellin u  
other than ur my best friend and i tell u everythin and i couldn’t sit on this any more, it felt dishonest or somethin  
i love u harry  
think i always have done, just took me a while to realise  
please say somethin so i can stop talkin

Harry  
Are you quite sure about this?

Eggsy  
???  
yes im sure you dickhead

Harry  
I need a drink, I’ll be right back

Eggsy  
R U TAKIN THE FUCKIN PISS  
im just gonna amnesia dart both of us

Harry  
Over my dead body  
Eggsy, as you so astutely noted, this is fucked up on a million levels and we will need to address those in due course  
However, at this moment in time you just need to understand that I love you more than I could ever hope to convey

Eggsy  
do you mean as mates or what?

Harry  
The latter

Eggsy  
can you elaborate please

Harry  
You’re unbelievable

Eggsy  
i just dont want there to be any ambiguity

Harry  
OK. Sometimes I can’t even look you in the eye because it makes me physically ache with longing. Is that unambiguous enough for you?

Eggsy  
harry  
what do we do  
im ecstatic and terrified and i cant feel my hands right now

Harry  
Nor can I but I’ve had a lot of Scotch in a short space of time  
I don’t know what we’re going to do but we will work something out, I promise

Eggsy  
work somethin out as in, figure out a way to work together even though we both feel the way we do?

Harry  
That’s a part of it but not all of it  
I hope

Eggsy  
oh my days  
this is completely mental

Harry  
I can hardly believe it myself  
You could have anyone you wanted  
You’re beautiful, you’re brilliant, you have that utterly magnetic personality…  
Why me?

Eggsy  
BECAUSE UR HARRY HART  
have u seen urself???  
everyones in love with u, u just dont see it

Harry  
I thought you were straight

Eggsy  
so did i  
funny life aint it

Harry  
Just like that? It’s that easy for you?

Eggsy  
it’s the 21st century bruv

Harry  
You are extraordinary and I want you very badly 

Eggsy  
omg  
omg  
omg

Harry  
Have I scared you?

Eggsy  
yes, i love it  
whats gonna happen when I get back

Harry  
You want me to tell you?

Eggsy  
i dont know if i want spoilers  
how the fuck am i gonna get this mission done now

Harry  
You’re going to commit to it more than you’ve ever committed to a mission before because it’s very important that you get through it in one piece 

Eggsy  
right  
ur right  
im just gonna keep merlin’s voice in the back of my mind goin “remember ur training”

Harry  
Surely that’s enough to kill an erection stone dead

Eggsy  
omg who said anything about an erection  
r u ragin right now

Harry  
What do you think?

Eggsy  
i knew u were filth

Harry  
I quite literally told you as much

Eggsy  
i love u  
and i so badly want to carry on with this conversation but its suddenly become more important to get this shit done here in berlin  
can we continue it later?

Harry  
Very much so

Eggsy  
go and have a wank while im gone

Harry  
Without you? No chance

Eggsy  
oh god  
ur gonna get me killed

Harry  
Please don’t ever say that again, even in jest

Eggsy  
oh shit  
oh my god  
i am so sorry harry, i wasnt even thinkin

Harry  
It’s OK, Eggsy. Please just concentrate on the mission and try to put everything else our of your head

Eggsy  
yes sir  
i love u i love u i love u

Harry  
I love you too  
Now get on with it

**Author's Note:**

> My humble contribution to a fandom bursting with works of low-key genius. Let me know if it floats your boat; I could easily be flattered into a follow-up. :)


End file.
